Christmas Bells
by zst4ever
Summary: Naruto is not who he seems. The Kyuubi causes more pain that he ever lets on. Now it's Christmas time once more, and all he wants is a normal life, without the overbearing demon stealing all his happiness. He has no one to turn to. Or does he? SasuNaru
1. Nightmares and Snowflakes

**Oook so! **

**Warnings: This chapter is pretty tame, but the overall fic is M for shonen ai and most likely some bad language. And a relatively darker side to Naruto himself.**

**Possible OOC (though I'd like to think Naruto really does go deeper than what he displays) and AU.**

**Disclaimer: We all know Naruto, Sasuke, the Kyuubi, Konoha, etc are NOT MINE.**

**Enjoy!**

Do you hear the bells?

No.

You hear nothing at all.

Eyes closed, pressed together.

It only makes it worse.

Everytime your eyes close you see me.

The demon that you are.

I fill you, overpower you,

Am you.

Eyes closed even tighter—

The roar of my maniacal laugh deafens your ears.

You're swirling, swirling, swirling

And it's so hot – so hot! Every pore is on fire and you're screaming screaming

Burning searing melting

But not dying.

No.

Never.

I won't let you die.

You must live on, drowning in your agony, watching their stares and jeers

Feeling the prejudice no one should ever have to live with.

And – ha! you are so young, so young.

You've never felt love.

And if I have my way

You never will.

You think of me as a curse

Yet to me, you are my blessing.

Each day I thank that idiot Hokage for letting me into your body.

I feed off you, you know it.

You can never stop me.

I will burn you forever

Ever

Ever.

Look at them!

Do you think they care about you?

If only. If only.

They never will, kitsune.

They never will.

Don't worry –

You're not alone.

I am with you.

I can help you if you let me.

I am with you.

And so

You can never hear the bells.

I woke up with tears on my cheeks.

I couldn't believe the nightmare still made my cry, since I have been having it almost every night for years. Something in the voice, the voice of the Kyuubi as it speaks to me, jeers at me, in my dreams, continues to haunt me night after night. It doesn't always say the same thing, but it's usually along those lines. It tells me I can never escape. I can never love. I belong to the Kyuubi and the Kyuubi alone. I should use its powers and become Hokage, and dominate all of Konoha.

But I don't want to become Hokage that way! I want to work hard and gain what I deserve! And I want to learn to love, I really do. The Kyuubi lets me lust, that I know from my…ahem…interesting feelings toward Sakura-chan…but I don't know how to love. I don't know what it feels like!

Maybe it's just because I've never had a parent to love me, maybe that's why I don't know how. Maybe it's not the Kyuubi after all.

I guess I'll never know, will I?

Still, I want to love. I want to laugh without hearing that demon laugh along with me from somewhere deep inside my chest.

It's never quiet. I can always feel it rumbling within me. Sometimes it keeps me from sleeping, which I don't really mind considering sleep only brings the nightmares.

I want to dream. Not just dream to be Hokage, which is more of a desire or a goal, but a nighttime dream. One where nothing makes sense and you wake up confused but laughing at the absurdity of it all. I've never had a dream that doesn't involve that rough yet disgustingly sultry voice penetrate my subconscious with poisoned words that I pray aren't true.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself, lying in bed wiping away the same tears I wipe off every morning. It's the first week of December, Christmas is coming, and I should be cheerful! But I just can't be.

Every year…every day, in fact, I pretend to be full of myself and I laugh and I tease and I look like I'm wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Actually, though, I just don't want anyone to see that the monster inside me affects me more than anyone ever knows or suspected. So I try to act normal. It's not that hard, really. I just act how I wish I was.

I pushed myself out of bed and flung back the covers, walking deliberately past my mirror so as not to look at the eyes I knew would be bloodshot. I hate seeing my eyes like that…after I cry, my eyes look the way they do when the _thing_ insides me takes over.

So I yanked off my pajama top, pulled my usual pants and jacket over the seal on my stomach that appears every morning without looking at it, and walked to the door.

I was supposed to meet Shikamaru this morning, to get some ramen and then train. Right before I left the house, I tugged my mouth into the cocky smirk everyone's used to seeing me in. I felt something – well, I knew what it was – inside of me stir with amusement at the façade I put on…weird, considering I put it on every day.

The freezing air bit at my cheeks, already chilled from the coldness left over from tears pushed hurriedly away. The ground was lightly dusted in snow, but from the quarter-sized snowflakes catching in my hair, I could tell the dusting wouldn't be light much longer. I caught sight of Shikamaru outside Ichiraku.

"Ohayo, Shikamaru!" I called out. He looked as cold and displeased as I felt. "How 'bout we just crash at someone's house today and focus on training some other time? It's too cold!"

He nodded in assent – at least I think he did, it was hard to tell from the thickening snowfalls – and walked towards me. I grinned back at him, feeling my heart tighten under the familiar pressure of acting the exact way I wish I could be feeling.

Another day.

Another charade.

And as something swirls contentedly in my chest, I wonder if the charade will ever end. If the nightmares will ever end.

"Want to see if Kiba's mom will let us hang out?" Shikamaru's voice was oddly distorted by the wind.

"Sure!" I grinned.

I hope they will, more than anything in the world, I hope it all ends.

I just don't know how to make it stop.

The streets of Konoha were masked in a thick comforter of snow, the shapes I'm so used to seeing – stores, the restaurants, the houses, the Hokage monument I _will_ see my face on one day – painted a childish white and fluffy. Everything seemed to shimmer as the hidden sun cast a glow on the village from behind poufy clouds. The thick powder beneath our feet crunched slightly, wetting my socks. I didn't mind at all. It's these moments that make me know I'm alive. The big accomplishments always are accompanied by a purring or a growling from beneath my skin, but the little moments must seem to trivial for the Kyuubi to acknowledge. I can still feel its presence, but I can almost make myself ignore it during the simple pleasures of life. Each footstep in the icy snow is a beat of my heart that beats all its own, with no help from demons of any kind. So the tiny smile that I let flicker momentarily on my lips, the one so unlike the giant grin I paste on, it was genuine. I could only let it last for a moment though, before Shikamaru saw it – or worse, the Kyuubi felt it and snatched the happiness away.

As we walked, I caught a snatch of the song Shikamaru was humming under his breath.

_I'm dreaming of a white Christmas…_

Well, the white part certainly has already came true, and Christmas seems to come every year, whether we're ready or not.

I just wish I knew what it meant to dream.

**I've been reading some really fantastic fics lately, and though I have a feeling my writing really can't match up, they inspired me xD I'll update as soon as possible…and Sasuke's coming soon! Let me know what you think.**


	2. Hot Chocolate

**Err…I've forgotten what Kiba's mom acts like, and I'm too lazy to look it up – so now she's pretty awesome and she makes amazing hot chocolate. xD Does that mean I should add an OOC warning for this chapter? Well, I doubt anyone's gonna be too picky with parents, lolz. Aside from that, Naruto still belongs to the amazing Kishimoto-sama (AKA not me), and I hope you enjoy!**

**Oh yeah – mild Sakura-bashing. Sorry. I don't actually dislike her as much as I did before the Shippuuden, but it fit the flow of the chapter.**

**These chapters are kind of hard for me to write xX and I don't know why…maybe because it's my first SasuNaru…have I mentioned that? Probably not. Oh, well. At any rate, Sasuke enters in this chapter…I'll stop delaying it now…**

"Arigato, Inuzuka-san!" Shikamaru called to Kiba's parents. The four of us huddled in front of Kiba's fireplace, clutching mugs of hot chocolate and shuffling a deck of cards. Well, not all of us were playing, Akamaru was snuggled in Kiba's lap, growling contentedly every time an ace hit the pile. We laughed and played and sipped away, as the snow piled higher and higher outside. It trapped us in the cozy warmth of the Inuzuka house, and made it hard for me to control my happiness. But I knew I had to, like I always do. Can't let _it_ know I'm happy, 'cause that'll make _it_ angry and _it_'ll hurt me and show everyone else how much I'm suffering. Can't can't can't.

I also can't think about it. I don't like to. So I wrapped the comforter Kiba's parents had given each of us to warm up in tighter around me and set down my last card.

"Aha! I win again!" It's kind of scary, the fake brashness I fill my voice with automatically.

"No, Naruto," Kiba sighed, "You win once, since we've only played once. And you just got lucky; this game is partly about chance after all." He threw down his hand and scooped up the cards to shuffle again.

"Be a good sport," Shikamaru murmured towards me through a mouthful of marshmallow.

I rubbed the back of my head with my hand and grinned nervously.

"Gomen, gomen," I apologized. "Deal again, Kiba!"

Smile. Laugh. Overreact. Motions I go through day by day. I wonder who the real me is? No one's ever seen him before, the Naruto unblemished by the Kyuubi, the boy free to feel honest happiness without fear of a demon inside devouring it. I wonder if he still exists, or if he ever even did. I wonder if I'll ever know.

"Naruto? It's your turn." Shikamaru nudged me through the blankets. "Why do you look distracted?"

I'm used to making excuses for that question. I took a huge gulp of hot chocolate.

"Sorry!" I picked up my cards. "I got lost in the hot chocolate – your mom makes it so well!" I said to Kiba. It was true, actually. I took a deep breath of it. The rich, full scent made me dizzy, and the spicy cocoa-ness of the flavor was near intoxicating. It sent a warm pit into my stomach, which is always a great feeling when I know it's not being created by _that_ thing.

Kiba laughed.

"I can't deny that one!" Akamaru gave a bark of assent. We were setting up for another game when we hear three soft but firm knocks at the front door.

"I'll get it, okaa-san!" called Kiba towards his parents room. He wrapped the blanket around him firmly, avoided tripping over Akamaru, and walked into the foyer. Shikamaru and I looked at each other, slightly confused. All of the Inuzukas were home, and usually their only other visitor besides us was Chouji. No way would he brave a snowstorm, unless there was some major food event going on somewhere. There's no way he could have smelled the hot chocolate from his house….right?!

Right. A shockingly familiar voice strained from the entryway.

"I was training and got caught in the snow. I was too far from home, and you're the only one who had a house nearby. Is it okay if I stay here for a while until the storm has passed? I'm sorry to cause trouble." Sasuke's voice sounded gruff, as if he hated relying on other people.

"S-sure!" I couldn't blame Kiba for sounding surprised; Sasuke never went to anyone's house unless it was required or it benefited him in some way. Swallowing your pride is a lot harder than standing alone in the cold sometimes, but a hell of a lot more rewarding if you do it right. "Come on in. Err – Naruto and Shikamaru are here to get out of the snow too." We heard their footsteps get closer, and when Sasuke entered the living room, I had to bite the inside of my cheek hard not to laugh. It's a little trick I've picked up over the years, sucking in my cheeks biting down on the soft parts to stop the urge to give off a real laugh. I almost couldn't help it though.

Sasuke, blue and black and dark Sasuke – was currently pink. His ivory-pale skin was stained with the pale red that comes along with being outside on very cold days. Furthermore, light sprinkles of snowflakes stood out in stark contrast against his spiky hair. Above all, it was the expression on his face that made me ache to keep from laughing. He looked both humiliated and trying-to-remain-stoic at the same time…poor guy. I could see Shikamaru's nostrils flaring out of the corner of my eye as he tried not to laugh as well – we both knew if we did, he'd kill us in a second.

"Come and sit down, Sasuke," Kiba said awkwardly. Almost like magic, his mother popped up with a smile on her face and another blanket in her arms.

"For Sasuke-kun!" She beamed at him. He looked back – was it shyly? – and accepted the blanket with a quiet _arigato_. "I'll be right back with more hot chocolate!"

"Oh – it's okay, I don't want to cause any trou--"

"Don't bother," Shikamaru laughed. "She'll make more anyway, and besides – it's delicious." I nodded in fervent consent. I was also entirely grateful to Shikamaru for lifting the mood with his point-blank nature. He was quite good at that.

Sasuke turned a slightly deeper shade of pink at that – man, if Sakura were here, she would have passed out – and nodded at Kiba's mother, whos smile deepened as she retreated into the kitchen. Something odd was happening to me as Sasuke's face reddened. A pit in my stomach grew warmer and warmer, but it wasn't the same feeling I get when the Kyuubi is expressing itself. I don't remember feeling it before.

"So, Sasuke – why on earth did you want to train today, of all days?" Shikamaru asked, focusing my mind on the present.

Sasuke kept his eyes trained onto the floor. "I figured the cold weather would ensure me privacy. I didn't bank on the snowstorm."

I had been quiet for too long; it was getting suspicious. I let out a snort.

"There's bound to be heavy snow this time of the year, teme. It's almost Christmas!" I shot at him. His eyes flew up to burn into mine.

"I know that! How could I miss it with stupid decorations making the interior of every respectable building in Konoha look like a tacky holiday card?" He looked genuinely upset. I tilted my head to the side.

"You don't like Christmas?"

"Why should I?" Sasuke didn't have to think about his answer at all. "Ah -- arigato!" he said politely as the warm mug of hot chocolate was deposited into his hands. "This _is_ good," he commented, taking a sip. It was clear that he wanted to let the matter go, but he had piqued my curiosity.

"Why don't you?" I pressed further. He remained silent. "Is it the cold weather? The snow? All the gift-buying?"

"I don't give gifts."

"Which reminds me, Naruto," Shikamaru yawned, breaking the tension once more. "What are you getting for Sakura-chan?" I was reluctant to leave the intriguing topic of Sasuke, but I could tell he wasn't going to crack, and Shikamaru and Kiba were nowhere near as interested as I was.

"Err – I don't know yet, actually! What do you think?" I asked. That warm feeling was still there when Sasuke responded with a smirk:

"How 'bout a mirror? Then she can spend all day looking at herself and won't bother me anymore."

Kiba laughed wolfishly. "Why don't you just skip the middle man and get her a muzzle? That'll save us _all_ a lot of agony."

"Hey!" I forced myself to get worked up about them picking on Sakura, though I found myself not really caring that much about her currently. Maybe because it was the first time we had ever – _ever_ – hung out with Sasuke outside of training, but I just felt a need to keep my guard up 100 percent. This guy was intuitive, so I had to act especially obnoxious around him to deter suspicion. "I was thinking maybe some perfume?"

"Hate to break it to you, dobe, but nothing's going to mask the stench that follows her around."

"HEY!"

We spent the next few hours drinking more hot chocolate, playing cards, and well, teasing each other. Sasuke's views on Christmas didn't come up again, though they certainly hadn't left my mind. When the snow let up, we thanked Kiba's mom one last time, split up, and walked home.

It was only the next morning, when I woke up from my first entirely nightmare-free night in years, that I realized I had gone the whole afternoon without once feeling the Kyuubi's presence.

**TBC ASAP**

**Soon to come Naruto confronts Sasuke about why he doesn't care about Christmas and gets an answer he didn't expect. Turns out the two of them are more similar than they had guessed…how will they react?**

**Now I want hot chocolate reaaaaally badly xX**


	3. Taking Chances

**A/N Err…I don't actually know if they even **_**have**_** Christmas in Konoha. But you know what? Now they do, and it's a very important day :)**

**If I owned Naruto, then I'd own Sasuke. If I owned Sasuke, would I be **_**writing**_** at 12:08 in the morning?! No…I'd be quite busy. Hehe.**

**Sorry bout the kinda-cliffhanger on this one…but enjoy anyways xD**

Two weeks had passed since our close encounter of the Sasuke kind, making today the day of Christmas Eve. After that initial night of dreamless, wonderful sleep, the nightmares started again and the churning in my stomach returned. I passed Sasuke on the street a few times on my way to or from training, but I was always with Shikamaru or Chouji or Kiba, and we didn't speak to him. It was as if that day had never happened. I wonder if maybe it didn't. I've spent time with Sasuke before, though not much, and it was all exchanging pointless insults. But when I asked him about Christmas, I feel like I saw something different in his eyes. Not the scary flash of red that scars them momentarily when he's angry, but something softer. He had responded austerely, as expected, but I remember seeing his skin tighten as the tips of his eyebrows crept together just for a second. The expression seemed familiar, but I couldn't quite place what it meant…

I shook my head. It's not the time to be thinking about Sasuke. I was standing in the middle of the icy training grounds, a kunai almost frozen to my hand. Train. It's time to train. Can't let the skills go weak over the winter.

I arched my elbow backwards, bending my knees and channeling the chakra straight into my palm. In one swift motion, I flung the kunai directly between where the eyes of the practice dummy would be, if it had eyes. The Kyuubi flushed warm inside of me, which wasn't altogether uncomfortable in the cold weather, but highly disconcerting…it was glad I was growing stronger. It wanted to hone me…to use me.

_Don't think about it. It won't help._

The voices inside my head have pretty good ideas sometimes, even if they come verbatim from my nightmares and dripping with the poisoned words of literal demons.

I picked up another kunai and sent it flying again, this time directly into the location of the imaginary right eye, and another into the pockmarked wood of the left. I gave a little chuckle. From the angle I was standing at, the shaded sun caused the shadows of the kunai to streak down the dummy's face. It almost looked like the figure was –

"Crying!" I exclaimed.

That's where I had seen Sasuke's expression before! The liquid eyes, the taut mouth. It's the expression you get right when you're about to cry, or right after you have.

No wonder it was so familiar. I see it in the mirror every morning. Except, of course, the days I make myself ignore it and the day two weeks ago when I woke up dry-eyed.

But why would Christmas make Sasuke want to cry? It's supposed to be a happy time of year. I can imagine myself crying on Christmas – there's pretty much no way I won't be, unless that odd fluke happens again – but Sasuke _never_ cries. At least, I've never seen him. It doesn't ring right in my mind, Sasuke crying; I just can't picture it. He's always so strong. There's no way he could ever be lowered to my level of pure powerlessness.

"I thought you thought it was too cold to train?"

The Kyuubi rumbled amusedly within me at the sheer irony of the situation. Here I was, gaping like an idiot at a scarred wooden dummy, my pants soaked with snow up to the knee, and thinking about the same guy who walked right in front of me. The kunai slipped slightly from my pinkened hand, and I flailed slightly to gain a better grasp on it. He smirked, and I suddenly was grateful for the cold fingers of frost – they masked the hot flush creeping up my cheeks.

_Don't show weakness_.

As much as I wanted to ignore that hated voice, I agreed with it, for once. I pulled my face in a sort of angry smirk to match his.

"I meant for you, teme!" I shot at him. "I just didn't expect _you_ to be out here. Thought your pretty little self wouldn't be able to stand it!" I wasn't sure what I was saying anymore. I just felt my eyes burn into his as he walked closer to me. He stopped about a foot away from my face, and I cursed the fact that he was just tall enough that I had to tilt my chin upwards to glare at him.

"What exactly do you mean by that, dobe?" His breath left a puff in the below-freezing air, a mere few inches from my face.

It's usually at times like this, when I get filled with emotion (when I'm going into a fight, or a test, or something like that), that the Kyuubi stirs frantically, sending heat throughout my stomach and chest, and echoing words in my head. But now…there was nothing except the rush of blood pounding in my ears as I heard words tumble out of my mouth that I realize, with a shock, I've wanted to say for a long time.

"I mean you're a strong ninja and all, but whenever the time comes to go the extra mile, you don't take the opportunity! You don't put yourself in the spotlight unless you know you're going to do well. When someone tries to be your friend – for example, half the girls in Konoha – " I'm ashamed of the tinge of jealousy in my voice at that last part –"you just ignore them, or push them away. So I guess that means I always thought you were weak! I don't get it; it shouldn't be like that. Being a ninja, no, being a _human_ means taking chances sometimes. If you don't, it just means you're too scared. But I always thought you weren't scared of anything. Sasuke," I said, lowering my voice. It had been growing to nearly a shout. "why are you weak?"

And then I was terrified. For a moment, a single moment – I was sure he was going to punch me. Something came over his eyes at my last words, it was that same tautness that I now recognize, but there was something else there this time, and it was that something that made me shiver.

I saw hatred. Pure, venomous, hatred.

It wasn't just in his eyes, either. His fist clenched and unclenched very quickly at his side, as if he was about to hit me, but changed his mind. Maybe I said too much…but I wasn't going to back down. I couldn't.

There was a long silence, while his eyes cooled back to their normal hooded onyx and his body relaxed. Frigid winds swam around us, and I started to think maybe it _was _too cold to train.

"Never ask me that question again," he said quietly. He turned as if to walk away but I put a hand on his shoulder, breaking the unspoken no-contact-unless-necessary rule we had been living under since we met. He turned to face me, black hair standing out strikingly against the snowy background. What is it, he asked me. He didn't have to say a word. Even with the wind screeching in my ears, I knew that look.

I took a deep breath. I couldn't believe what I was about to say. I also couldn't believe that my stomach was staying an (ab)normal cool, though I couldn't say the same for my neck and ears, which were blushing like frickin' Hinata or something.

"The Uchiha estate is far from the training grounds, isn't it?" I asked.

"…Yes," he replied after a moment.

"And there's no one there except you?" I knew I was pushing my luck when I saw his jawline stiffen, but he controlled himself.

"That's correct."

Okay. I can do this.

I don't know why, but it seems to be true that the more time I spend with Sasuke, the less the Kyuubi affects me. Besides, it was far below freezing.

Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself I didn't merely want to talk to him a little longer.

"My house is only a few blocks from here…do you want to come over?" I stammered. "At least until the storm lets up a bit, I mean."

Another silence. But once again, I think could tell what he was thinking. If I'm not mistaken – which I might be -- he was thinking about what I said. Taking chances. I really do believe that's a big part of what makes you strong.

"It's Christmas Eve. Don't you have plans?" he asked. His lips were turning a delicate shade of blue in the cold.

I allowed myself a little laugh.

"Everyone has plans with their families on Christmas. So I usually just train." I guessed he didn't have plans, probably for the same reason I didn't.

One more long pause. Sasuke's silences were starting to irritate me – but it was irritating _me_, with no twinges from the Kyuubi, which was a miracle in itself, so I didn't complain.

"Okay."

"Okay?!"

"I said okay, okay? So let's go, c'mon, I'm freezing!"

So, with the words – my words! – _what have I just done_ dashing through my head and Sasuke by my side, I headed home for Christmas Eve. And who knows what else.

While a flurry of snow divided us, I let my mouth grow into a little smile. This would be the first Christmas Eve I hadn't spent alone, though Sasuke probably didn't know that.

Yes. I definitely like taking chances. Even if I have no idea where they will lead me…


	4. Maybe it's Love

**A/N I promise myself (and you) this will be done before Christmas. Then I think I'll take a break…followed possibly by more SasuNaru xD or maybe NaruSasu. I don't know yet. Let me know what you think about this one…**

**I do not own Naruto. I do, however, own some Naruto merchandise given to me as early Christmas gifts…and I must say, it makes me quite happy.**

**Oh – slight AU warning, I guess. The Uchiha past is kept a secret from the villagers of Konoha here, and when Sasuke first met Itachi, Naruto wasn't with him.**

**And a shonen-ai warning. Beware the uke Naruto…**

**Now, on with the show…**

_What on earth are we going to _do

I felt my heart quicken, its thumps echoing in my unfamiliarly quiet head. Never before had I been alone with Sasuke like this. What were we going to talk about? What had I gotten myself into? Furthermore, it was Christmas Eve, and it would be Christmas Day in a mere matter of hours. I didn't have a gift for him, or a tree, or anything special. Maybe Sasuke would have been happier alone in his own home…

"It's cold," he grunted.

I jumped slightly. I had been so lost in my panicked thoughts that I didn't even realize Sasuke had moved closer to me as we walked, so that his shoulder was pressed up against mine.

"Wh-what?"

"It's _cold_," he repeated through teeth he was trying so hard not to let chatter, "and for some reason your body is a lot warmer than mine."

I would have laughed at his moment of frailty, but there were three factors that made me keep my mouth shut. For one thing, I was only warm because despite the fact that my brain was Kyuubi-free, the demon's presence keeps my torso a few degrees above normal in all temperatures. For another thing, Sasuke really did look like he was freezing. The winds had gotten stronger as the night approached, and snow continued to find its way into our faces. His cheeks were even pinker than before, with his eyes slitted against the icy drops.

And the third factor? Well, through the snow, and the shivers, and the scarf wrapped tight around his neck –

Sasuke was beautiful.

I couldn't believe I was thinking it, but also couldn't believe that I haven't noticed before. His skin was so smooth, taut in all the right places. His dark hair flowed elegantly against his face. There was something about that skin, honestly – I just wanted to reach out and touch it, see if it was as soft as it looked – but _argh!_ What am I thinking?!

"Are you okay, Naruto?" He sounded slightly worried. God, could this walk be any slower? Only a block more to my house…oh thank goodness… "I – I could move away if you want me to--"

"No!" I exclaimed, way too exuberantly. I felt my face flush, even through the chills. "I mean – no. That's okay."

We walked in embarrassed silence, our bodies close together. I was eternally grateful when we finally reached my door.

"So…um…this is my house," I said, nervous beyond all belief. He didn't even look around; he just removed his coat and folded it neatly in the foyer. Despite the fact that my heat was turned on nearly all the way, he was still shivering. Uchihas are associated with fire, as is well known, and I guess they're fairly hot-blooded. "D'you wanna sit down?"

Wordlessly, he sat on the couch. An idea struck me, and with a _be right back_ I went to the box of hot chocolate mix I keep in my cabinet. Looking out into the living room as I waited for the water to heat, I had another idea. I quietly snuck into my bedroom and pulled a comforter off the mattress. I struggled to keep quiet as I lugged the puffy blanket back to the couch and --

"What the--?!"

I smirked and allowed myself a little laugh, since the Kyuubi was still silent. Imagine me sneaking up on Sasuke! Even if it was just to wrap a blanket around his shaking shoulders.

He looked up at me from inside the cowl of the comforter. At first I thought he was going to yell at me for startling him, but then a grin spread across his face. Which, in turn, made my smile grow even bigger.

"Thanks," he – whoa – _blushed_. For some reason, making Sasuke blush made me rather proud of myself. I poured the hot chocolate and handed him a cup.

"It's not as good as Kiba's mom's but it's not too bad," I said, taking a sip. He shifted slightly so I could sit next to him on the couch.

"Yeah," he responded. I had a feeling the conversation was about to die out, so I went out on a limb before I could help myself.

"Why don't you like Christmas, Sasuke?"

He looked at me for a long time before answering. His eyes drove into mine, as if he was studying me, to see if I was worth confiding in. I held my breath.

And then – I knew I had won. The shadow over his eyes lifted and his lips parted. He was going to tell me.

"When I was very little," he began in a low voice, "my family had the best Christmases. We would decorate the entire estate. It would look like…oh, I don't know….it had presents and trees and tinsel and lights….it was beautiful. My father would bring home the best gifts, and my mother would cook pounds of food that never lost its flavor and my--" He paused here, and closed his eyes for a moment. Instinctively, I felt myself move towards him. "My brother would help me decorate. It was my favorite time of year, from the beginning of December all the way to the 25th. We weren't just happy. We were at peace."

I had never heard Sasuke or anyone else talk about the Uchiha clan very much before. I did know that his parents died, but I didn't know the details. And I never knew he had a brother.

"It sounds fantastic, Sasuke – I don't get it." How could such happy memories make him hate the holiday?

"My brother killed my family when I was nine."

What in the world can you say to that? My heart just about stopped. My jaw fell open.

"After that, I spent every Christmas, Christmas Eve, and pretty much every other day of my life training in order to kill him and avenge my clan."

"Sasuke…" Without meaning to, I felt my hand place itself on his knee.

"But the last time I faced him," he was shaking now, "I couldn't do anything. He forced me away. And he said to me…_You are weak…why are you weak?_"

Ohh.

Shit.

"And now you probably don't want anything to do with me, and you just feel sorry for me. Which is why I never told anyone. Dammit!" He slammed the mug on the coffee table; looking absolutely furious.

"I don't want to have nothing to do with you, Sasuke," I said quietly. He looked at me, eyes burning with the flames that erupted in them when I had unknowingly quoted the most hated man in his universe. "I can't say I know exactly how you feel. No one can. But I do know what it's like to be alone, with only the voices you pray every night you won't hear haunting your nightmares. I know what it's like to have something evil burning inside you, even though my demon is an actual demon, while yours is something no less powerful – revenge. And I know that when you're around me, for some reason that demon goes away, and I don't know why. So I will never want to have nothing to do with you." I gave a little sad smile and shook my head. "That pain? The twisting one that writhes in the pit of your stomach, gnawing at who you really are? When I'm with you, I don't feel it. I want to make your pain stop too."

Silence. He stares at me and I stare at him and I don't regret anything and oh God I can't believe the world could be this quiet.

And then his hand was in my hair and the blanket I had wrapped around him was around me too and his breathing was ragged in my ear. I felt his thumb trace its way down the scars on my cheek and I shuddered. One of what was quickly becoming the best things in my life and the mark of the bane of my existence, coming in such close contact – it was too much for me to take. I let my head rest in the crook of his shoulder, just where it morphed into his smooth neck. I'm not sure if it was just the tiredness of the day making me hallucinate slightly, but I could swear I felt his arms wrap around me. And on my shoulder, I think I could feel moistness, as if teardrops were dripping onto it. Dream or not, I let _my_ arms wrap around him, and I'm pretty sure I could feel him adjust his legs slightly so I was nearly sitting in his lap.

I felt his forehead bend to touch mine and I opened the eyes I hadn't realized were closed. He was looking right at me, with a different kind of fire this time.

"Naruto…"

I don't know why I was so tired all of a sudden, but I could feel myself falling asleep even as my head was gently positioned so he was cradling it.

"I know why the Kyuubi's presence leaves you."

Must...stay…awake…this sounds important…

"Why?"

"I did some research two weeks ago. The demons – when they are implanted in a Jinchuuriki, they are triggered by emotion. But when an emotion so powerful completely fills a host such as yourself, there is no room for the Kyuubi to express any of its own emotions." His voice floated towards me as I tried to process it.

"An emotion?" I asked sleepily. I felt stray hairs being brushed out of my eyes by fingers more delicate than seemed humanly possible. "Like what?"

"Well, it can be an all-consuming hatred, I suppose. More all-consuming than you have felt. Emotions have to be _very_ strong to block out a demon like the Kyuubi, and you just don't have that hatred in you. Or a sadness, or maybe excitement. The thing is," he continued, "the books I was reading said most of the time these emotions are almost 95 subconscious, that is, the container won't be fully aware he's experiencing that emotion until they realize their demon's absence or someone points it out."

"But Sasuke," I murmured, "what emotion is it that blocks out the Kyuubi, then? I've never noticed an absence before…"

"Well, it's subconscious, right?" he said in a pondering tone. "So maybe it's sorrow."

"Mmmm."

"Maybe it's loneliness."

"Mmmm." Was his voice getting nearer?

"Maybe it's love."

My eyes flew open to see his softly smiling face only a few inches away. It was incredible how unguarded he was. He didn't look anything like the Sasuke I knew and yet -- he did. All of a sudden, I knew _this_ was Sasuke. This was Sasuke before the tragedy of his clan, this is the Sasuke that no one else living has ever seen, save for the man who caused this Sasuke to hide behind a mask of solitude and arrogance.

And looking up at him, I knew he was right. My heart was practically ripping itself out my chest just to get closer to him.

When had I fallen in love? I never thought I could. But Sasuke brought his face even closer, so his mouth was just a millimeter from mine, and there was no doubt left in my mind.

"So what do you think?" I could taste his chocolatey breath as he spoke.

"Maybe you're right," I heard myself say.

I was so close to slipping into sleep, but before I did, I could feel his lips parting my own. I could feel one hand slide lightly up my chest while the other remained intertwined in my hair. After a moment of unreal bliss, I felt his mouth move up to kiss my closed eyelid and I knew he was about to get up to let me sleep.

"Wait--" I grabbed his shirtfront and pulled him back on top of me. I was about to sound very immature, but I just couldn't help myself.

"Yes?"

"Do you still hate Christmas?"

I heard a typical Sasuke-pause, then a sincere laugh, then I felt his lips meet mine for an all-too-brief moment.

"Now that I think of it, I guess I never really hated Christmas. I just hated being alone."

"You're not alone anymore," I said, and I was talking to myself as much as I was to him. I think he knew it.

"Naruto…"

"Mmmm?"

He kissed one of my scars gently.

"Thank you."

**Not quite the end yet – one more chapter, I think!**


	5. Amen

**A/N LAST CHAPTER. Or epilogue. Whichever you think suits this best. Whatever it is, it's the end of this fic. More to come though, I'm sure x)**

**I sincerely apologize to anyone I may offend with references to God. There is a reference to prayer here, don't say I didn't warn you. And yeah, I don't think God exists in Naruto-world or whatever, (except for like, Jashin, if you're Hidan), but oh well lol. **

**Though I'm sorry – I still can't make myself write toooooo graphic, there is some stuff in here that's not for those who can't stand anything related to yaoi. I wanted to see how far I could push myself to write, as a kind of personal challenge in case I do want to write yaoi or anything sex-related later…so be warned I guess xP If you don't want to see the content in this, you could just tell yourself the last chapter was the end…but if you don't mind (which you probably don't since you chose to read something M-rated), read on and let me know how this attempt went, please xD **

**I still don't own Naruto or Sasuke. Why must we write this with every chapter…**

The first thing I notice is that I am very warm. Then I notice that I'm on my couch, and not on my bed. Then I smile, since I realize that last night was entirely nightmare-free and Sasuke must have been right. Then – holy hell – _Sasuke!_ That must be the warm figure lying on top of me!

Then I realized my eyes weren't open. I don't mind, though. I lift my hand to rub my neck, but instead my fingers encounter soft hair. I grinned to myself – Sasuke must have fallen asleep on me. I forced my eyes open. Yup. His head rested on my neck, tickling my throat with his hair. His legs were tangled with mine, and we were still covered by the same comforter I had wrapped him in last night.

And then I remembered two things. First of all, I loved Sasuke. And the second I thought it, I knew all over again that it was true. I would have lifted his face so I could kiss his lips again, but he looked so serene in sleep, so unguarded, and _that_ was the Sasuke I loved. The Sasuke who saved me. Secondly, it was Christmas!

I glanced out the window, massaging Sasuke's head absentmindedly, which made him snuggle deeper into my chest. One of his legs slipped between mine, making me gasp slightly at the contact. Oh God, he felt so good. All of a sudden, I decided to do something I had never done before in my life.

I decided to pray.

"Dear Lord," I whispered, looking out the window at the snowy sky, "thank You. Thank You for granting me deliverance for my pain, though I never asked You for it. Thank You for sending me a blessing like this one. Thank You, o Lord, for showing me that love really can exist." At this point, I felt a lone tear of – well, I don't really know what it was. Was it joy? It was some sort of emotion. Whatever it was, it trickled down my cheek, but I didn't want to wipe it away because I didn't want to wake up Sasuke by moving. I kept staring out the window. "Thank You, for sending me Uchiha Sasuke."

I didn't care that it sounded lame and cheesy. I meant every word I said.

"Amen," I whispered.

And then my heart froze as I felt a slender hand gently wipe away the tear on my cheek. I looked down to see Sasuke smiling up at me with barely opened eyes.

"Dear Lord," he began, making my breath catch in my gullet, "thank You. Thank You for showing me that I can live without my existence centering around revenge. Thank You for showing me that I'm not alone, and there are people who really do care for me." He put his hands on either side of my body and pulled himself up so that his mouth was level to mine, and he was murmuring directly to me. "Thank You for blessing me with Uzumaki Naruto."

He bent his neck and smiled and kissed me not too lightly, but not too rough.

"Amen." He sighed the word into my throat and I leaned up and met his lips again. It was so difficult to believe I wasn't still dreaming, with his arms around me and his knee ever-so-lightly pressing between my legs, making me moan slightly. But then something changed. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with a hard look in his eyes and I knew we both needed to know that it _wasn't_ a dream, that it was really happening. And I thrusted myself into him and he put his hands behind my head and pulled me closer and despite the fact that it must be nearing zero degrees outside, it was hot on the couch, oh so hot. I couldn't stand the heat, so I let my hands leave his back (which made him whine in displeasure, which in turn made me smirk slightly into his mouth) and yank my shirt off my head. Ahhh. Much better.

For a moment, I thought of convention. I thought of thoughts like _this is wrong_ and _you're both guys_ and _this is moving too fast!_

But then his fingers were on my chest – no, his lips were on my chest and his fingers were in my mouth and he tasted so sweet, and I didn't think anymore, I just kissed him and bit him and let him kiss and bite me.

"Your skin is so soft, dobe," he panted teasingly, "you're almost like a girl!" He tried to snicker at me, but we were both so caught up in the moment he barely could.

"Shut up," I growled, and sealed his taunting mouth shut with my own. He curved his back while keeping the kiss (I swear, he's some kind of contortionist or something) and let one hand trail down my body. From my neck…to my upper chest…to my stomach (here he traced the swirl where the Kyuubi usually speaks from and I shake my head blissfully – no, it's still absent, he must have been right)…to just below my stomach….to –

"_Sa-suke_…"It was my turn to pant as I arched my back into him. I couldn't believe it; it literally was beyond my brain capacity to process how much I loved him at that moment. I could lie to myself and say it happened spur-of-the-moment, but something told me these feelings had been pent up for a long time now. And now they were begging for release.

I tugged at his hair and let my hand creep up _his_ shirt and play with his chest, which, I must say, _had_ to be softer than mine. Take silk. Mix it with molten velvet and velour. Add more silk, and multiply by a thousand, and that's how soft his skin felt. I licked his lips, feeling a sort of carnal pleasure when it elicited a tortured groan from them. He bit my lower lip, which made me gasp again and made him chuckle. I get it now...for some insane reason we were fighting, almost, and I was determined not to let him win, dattebayo!

I moved my hand to the small of his back. Lower…lower…_yes!_

"Naruto!" It was his turn to gasp. I was about to move my hand to his front and _really_ win, but then I heard it –

_Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong!_

I pulled my lips away and turned my head towards the window, where the church spire was vibrating to sound the holiday.

"Naruto?" He was concerned now. "W-why did you--"

"Christmas bells!"

"What?" Jeez, he looks so cute when he's confused and sweaty like this.

"Christmas bells!" I was beaming. "The Kyuubi hated bells! Every time they started to ring, it would fill my mind with its words, blocking them out! I've never heard Christmas bells!"

His face relaxed into a smile and the magnitude of the past twenty-four hours hit me full force.

"It's really never coming back?" I asked.

Sasuke leaned down to kiss my lips, very softly, not the competitive way.

"As long as I'm around, you'll never have to worry about your demon again," he said in his low voice that I love. "And I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon."

"You promise?"

He laughed and kissed me again, a little deeper now.

"I promise."

"Sasuke?"

"Yes?"

"Merry Christmas."

He looked at me, with our bodies still tangled together, each with the feel of the other's lips still on us, and we both smiled.

"Merry Christmas."

**--END--**

**Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope you enjoyed it! xD**

**Much love, **

**ZST**


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